Uncle Wally's Q Review and WallyQ Explained

Flame up, compadres! You have stumbled upon Uncle Wally's barbecue restaurant review. Here you will find the honest views of Uncle Wally about barbecue restaurants and the tasty meats they serve up.

Disclaimer: I am not a pit master, chef, professional bbq judge, or restauranteur. I don't have a vendetta against Austin's Franklin's for their ridiculously long lines (totally worth it), or for Abilene's Harold's Pit Bar-B-Q for closing permanently without releasing the recipe for their iconic sauce (although there are rumors swirling that it may have surfaced...). I simply love to eat tasty barbecue, experience unique barbecue joint atmospheres, and meet interesting barbecue pit masters.

Photo courtesy of Renato Paschoa 

Need to know: In my lexicon, the word "barbecue (or barbeque - I'll use the two interchangeably) is a NOUN. Now, I realize that groups of folks in certain areas of the country consider the word a verb. Well, I've done extensive research with prehistoric scholars on the subject. No, the scholars aren't prehistoric, their field of study deals with really old stuff. Anyway, we found that once early man discovered fire, he innately started cooking meat - everything from mastodon filets to chopped sabertooth to rack of hogasaurus ribs to pterodactyl legs, thighs, and breasts. The group of humans we studied are considered the brightest and most innovative clan of their era. They exhibited a keen sense of taste as well. Artifacts unearthed showed evidence of a garlic/red pepper dry rub and subtle merlot that accompanied these cooked-meat gatherings. Experts interpreted their cave drawings and found that these paleo pit masters referred to the meat as "brughh," which loosely translates to "barbecue." This primitive artwork also recorded the process of cooking the meat, and those same experts determined that the phrase used to describe this process in those days was "cook out," which loosely translates to "cook out."

Later cave paintings revealed that a tribe of clueless neanderthals wandered down to this area, it is believed because they were tired of the snow, and saw the cook out and brughh of their more advanced counterparts and completely misinterpreted the whole occasion. Unable to comprehend the phrase "cook out," the invasive neanderthals recklessly used the word "brughh" for everything - the act of cooking meat over open flame and the meat that is cooked by this process. But, being the hospitable hosts they were, the home tribe simply smiled and said, "unk grabbit hrmph hrmph," which loosely translates to "bless your heart." They then proceeded to talk about them behind their backs.

So, being the traditionalist I am, I choose to refer to the product of cooking out as "barbecue." I also allow for phrases like, "Let's have a barbecue tonight to celebrate Dave's successful trip back from his prehistoric field studies." I'd rather for the speaker remove the "a" and simply say, "Let's have barbecue!" The reason is simply overkill. One doesn't need a reason to have barbecue.

Finally, while I may be a traditionalist, I'm not a barbecue snob. I judge the meat of its taste, period. I prefer it not be masked in layers of sauce, although I know that sauce is an important facet of the bbq genre. I want to taste the meat. The sauce can be added to suit tastes later. I could not care less about the hue of a smoke ring or how many millimeters it appears from the edge of a slice of brisket. It ain't about the presentation here - it's about the yum factor. And those that achieve a very high level of yumminess will receive the Uncle Wally's Seal of Approval by being designated as WallyQ.

I know some of you may disagree with the views expressed here. That's fine. For the rest of you barbecue aficionados and geniuses, I hope this site is both enlightening and entertaining.

Happy eating!